Perspectives make a difference

I want to talk about the phrase, “you'll have to deal with sexism no matter where you are.” I understand what the message is perhaps trying to convey: sexism can and will occur, intentional or not, because people make mistakes. I've certainly been guilty of my fair share of unintended prejudices, so what I'm about to say is by no means meant to be accusatory. Instead, I want to prompt some introspective thought on how perspective can shape the reception of phrases like this one.

I've heard this phrase used a variety of times in my educational and professional career. Often, it's been to excuse gender harassment when compared to more overt forms of sexism. Other times, it's been to defend the inability to eradicate sexism completely.

I can recognize the frustration that the speaker might be feeling. Sexism is, unfortunately, one of those things you just can't get rid of. There’s a common understanding that sexism will always exist at some level, but to the speakers of this phrase, they likely feel a greater need to verbalize this with the people who are its most likely targets, overt or otherwise. 

This creates an interesting imbalance in the phrase’s usage. The speaker may say it only a handful of times, but the recipients are hearing it far more frequently.

I can personally attest to having heard it from all circles in my life over and over and over again. After hearing it so many times, my immediate inclination has been to defend the place I feel I’ve carved out for myself with, “That doesn't mean we should stop trying.” I’ve fallen right into a defensive stance, choosing to take the moral high ground and leave it at that. However, after taking a little more time to think, I feel it misses the mark. Sure, we should never stop trying to make the world a better place, but I haven’t answered the question of, “How?”

A more productive response on my part could have been, “I urge anyone to ask their female peers what would make them feel welcome and supported to limit sexism as much as possible. Personally, I would like to know the people around me will step in when they see it in action, especially when targeted towards me. Not every woman feels the same way though. Some might prefer to handle it themselves. So again, I encourage you to ask what you can do to help each one independently.”

It’s a bit of a long worded response, but it paints a clearer picture of what the speaker can do to help, easing the frustrations that likely prompted the comment in the first place.

Perspectives can make a huge difference in how language is interpreted. As with the example outlined in this blog, precise communication can play such a positive part in understanding the intended message versus the perceived message — or even understanding that those two messages may be different. It's ok to recognize how you feel from these comments, accept how unfair they may seem, and also communicate what would help you specifically.